Thanks

There's this funny phenomenon that's been happening a lot lately: I wake up on the right side of the bed. I wake up excited to start the day. I wake up full of gratitude and feeling refreshed.

Some people are just born that way, as if their parents were rainbow unicorns whose lives were all cupcakes and sparkles. Granted, I may have appeared to be one of those people my entire life, but it was all for show.

At a young age, maybe 8 or 9, I remember someone using the word 'morbid' to describe something I'd said. Upon discovering the definition of that word, I took it as a compliment. I thought being obsessed with death and suicide made me complex. I'm not sure if my depression led to this this obsession, or if my obsession led to my depression, but either way it consumed my prepubescence and young adulthood. 

At the age of four I began journaling. I have a distinct memory of being in kindergarten, scribbling my thoughts in cursive and documenting my very deep, 5-year-old thoughts. Years later I rediscovered those journals... They were just scribbling. Not cursive. However profound my thoughts may have been, I was only five. I thought I could, but I couldn't actually spell, let alone write in cursive. 

I journaled a lot about my own death. How it would happen, when it would happen, even why it would happen. Suicide, kidnap and homicide, car accident, cancer, in my sleep, and many, many freak accidents. I often updated my 'will'. Who would get my clothes? My stuffed animals? My pets?  I planned out my funeral: my favorite songs to be played, my favorite colors worn, and no criers. No one was allowed to cry. 

You know, normal kid stuff...

Then I got older and surrounded myself with kids. Babysitting, nannying, volunteering at youth group, and just having friends with children. These kids are teaching me not only about childhood, but about life.

They run. They bounce. They dance. They tickle you. They do art. They laugh. They cry. They talk about their problems. They love froyo. They love, unconditionally.

You know, normal kid stuff!

They live.

For so long my mind was fogged. Maybe my alcoholic mind was set in the womb, a disposition bestowed upon me by ancestors past. Maybe it was all those weird obsessions. Whatever reason this fog settled itself over my life, I don't care to understand. It's lifted. I'm dumbfounded and grateful at the new light that almost literally now graces my life.  I am grateful for the children, friends and even strangers, everyone, who helped me realize how to live. 

Which is not to say that life is all sunshine and cupcakes.

Sometimes life is crap.

Our loved ones die. Children are abused. We have car problems. It rains when we have a day off and want to go to the beach. We don't have enough money. We have too much money (if that's really you're problem, good for you.) War, death, abuse, neglect… It happens.

I'm learning, because it is a daily practice, to let go and let things be. That maybe the world will never get better. That I may not have any control over it, no matter what I do. It doesn't mean I will sit back and let things happen if given the chance to 'right a wrong'. The one thing that we do have power over is our perception. We can choose to be brought down by the heart ache in the world, or we can let it drive us. Easier said than done. I repeat, it is a practice. We have a mourning period for everything and it's different for everyone. However, the time comes when you have to choose whether to take action or let these things take over you. 

My inspiration for this way of thinking was greatly influenced by Viktor Frankl. In YTT we had to read his book Man's Search for Meaning. I'll admit now, because it has been nearly two years, that this was the only book from yoga training that I read thoroughly. This man, this survivor, who lost his family and was transferred around several concentration camps, found a will to live. He found purpose, and he shared it.

It's those little things in life we need to cherish. Those things that we can find meaning in, seek refuge in, when we feel we have nothing to live for. When our greatest loves, parents, children, friends, pets, have passed, what will we cling to? Their loss, or their memories?

It's these little things I wake up grateful for. 

The amazing persistence of my friends who helped me find a will to live when I had none. The unending support and love of my mother. The way students, strangers to one another, will hold hands and smile at one another when I ask them to do a partner pose in yoga. PBR (owner of Derbyville and skater for RMRG) for putting my bearings in my new outdoor wheels. The apology from a driver who cut me off in the parking lot. These people are something to cherish, and long after they're gone, the kindness they shared with me will live on. 

I've been vomiting gratitude all over everyone today.

Share your gratitude!

(Thanks;)

Namaste:)

MMD

Life, Yoga, Death

"Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today."

- Benjamin Franklin... or Thomas Jefferson... or Lord Chesterfield...

not really sure who said that, as the first three results on google each tell me a different person, but it's a quote worth holding onto. 

a couple of years ago it kept harassing me, pushing me to do this or that and i teased it, saying there is always tomorrow, there is always tomorrow... but why. 

life is happening here and now.

i've heard, once or twice, that tomorrow never comes. all we have is today. tomorrow is an idea, yesterday is gone, but today... today is tangible. today is all we have. it's great, it's crap, it's what you make of it; grasp onto this moment and savor all if has to offer.

when the thought comes to mind of putting something off until tomorrow, there's a voice that speaks up and says "don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today." followed by an even louder voice that says "shut up." however, despite sounding crazy hearing these conflicting voices, i take action. 

i start a blog. i call a friend i haven't talked to in forever. i drink water instead of soda. and recently, i begin boosting my yoga practice by challenging myself to thirty days of yoga. 

you're probably thinking, "you're a yoga teacher, don't you do yoga everyday?"

no.

most of us practice some part of the eight limbs of yoga in one form or another. but my physical practice, asana, has been slipping as of late. first i thought just four practices a week was enough, and when i would only get three i'd figure it was close enough. and then when it was down to once a week, i got motivated to make a change.

one of my favorite studies, is about hugs.

virginia satir discovered that we need 4 hugs a day to survive, just to survive. we need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. 12 hugs a day, they say, will help us grow and thrive. not just a pat-on-the-back, or those lame one-armed hugs, but a full on, heart-to-heart, real hug. i relate this to my practice. when i get one practice a week, it's nice, it's usually inspiring enough to get me through a week feeling ok. when i get three or four practices in a week, quite literally, it helps me maintain my sanity. a practice a day, that's when growth happens. not only do i feel amazing, but i'm more inspired and excited to share as a teacher, guiding yogis and yoginis through their own practice. it's a win-win this idea of daily practice.

in the past when i've done a 30 day challenge, it was because someone else was, or because a studio was. i work at lifetime fitness and we have had a few challenges to inspire our students to do more yoga, and it's a great community builder... i did it not only because i had to, i wanted to... but we also had a chart we got to fill in with gold stars! stickers worked when i was five, and they still work two decades later. 

when setting goals i was taught to make them realistic and attainable, not too far-fetched, and if they were easily attained i could always modify. for this thirty day challenge i've set three simple goals:

1. 30 consecutive days

2. minimum 30 minute practice

3. try 3 new teachers

ah, the power of three. 

thus far, day two, my challenge is a success...

yesterday i took a fabulous restorative class from the lovely daniel blakeman (you can find him at lifetime fitness in centennial, and various locations around the denver area.) it was one of those classes you take in fear because you've overworked yourself all week and you just want a gentle class. restorative classes can be heavy on hip openers, super uncomfortable on tight hips from derby. upon leaving the class you feel silly as it offered exactly what you needed, just the right poses and a nice adjustment to leave you drooling once you hit that final savasana. this is the reason we practice. as for todays practice, i'll be "freestyle"-ing it once i finish this post;)

and as for death... 

i may or may not have ran over a baby squirrel today.

as i drove away after the [possible] hit and run, there wasn't any evidence as i checked my rearview mirror, however it was a very small squirrel. so, i said a prayer and continued on my way.

and with that...

Namaste:)

MMD

Why You Should Eat Bananas

they heart you :)

Ten Things

Let's just keep it simple. Ten things to say here I am, here's what I'm about.

(in no particular order, and semi-completely random)

ten.

yoga.

the yoga studio where i trained and poured many hours of blood (got a paper cut once,) sweat and tears and where i now teach. 

my first true love, yoga, has been part of my life in one way or another since i was a teen. since deepening my practice in ytt (yoga teacher training) which also enabled me to become a teacher, my practice changed entirely. guiding students through practice is a wonderful gift, but practicing next to them is still my preference.

nine.

derby.

my skates, as of now. full of not only sparkles, but blood and sweat, too. no tears... yet.

roller derby is the most recent edition to my list of lovers. inspired by a yoga student (hero, and fellow skater) i attended my first training in march of this year and it, as well, forever changed my yoga practice. hip openers will never be as lovely as they once were.  i now call the Rocky Mountain Rollergirls my family.

eight.

art.

cut paper collage-y thing, made this after a friend shared with me the song "ochrasy" by mando diao

art is creation. music, paintings, books, fashion, performances. i've been creating things in all medias since i left the womb (aside from music, i'm slightly, completely, musically challenged.) my love includes not only creating, but appreciating creators and their creations, favorites range from andy warhol and frida kahlo to marc jacobs and the beatles (duh.)

seven. 

sobriety.

where i write my step work

sobriety is also a recent "hobby." i realized a huge part of my lifelong depression had been my lifelong obsession with the bottle. something had to change if i was going to survive this life. i broke down, contacted a friend, and on march 20th went to my first aa meeting. 

once again, my yoga practice changed.

six. 

my best friend meg.

we've been known to take long miserable (but fun?) road trips, this was on a short not-miserable fun roadtrip. if you look close enough, you'll see my eyes on the road, not the camera...

i hate choosing favorites... but this girl, this woman, has been the supporting player in my life for a handful of years now, and sometimes taking on the lead role when i wasn't able or willing. she's a huge part of who i am, and why i am, in a mostly not-codependent way. 

five.

kindness.

drawing isn't usually my strong suit but i'm quite fond of this.

ahimsa, or non-harming, is part of patanjali's eight limbs of yoga. i have a love/hate relationship with the practice. it's simple, to say, we should be kind. kindness in action, and thoughts toward each and every living thing; plant, animal, human, self. that little reminder to be kind to oneself, to be more kind to others.

four. 

puppy.

my dog, puppy, in a fort of yarn baskets and multicolored blankets

i found this guy, yes his name is puppy, in a pet shop (gasp) almost exacly 7 years ago. he's a pain in my ass half the time, a pain in everyone else's ass 45% of the time, and sniffing dog ass the remaining 5% (he's short, he doesn't get to sniff other dogs much.) i wouldn't choose life without him.

three.

others.

did i really have to post a photo? no, but hey look it's the caffeinated yogi, and a giant orange bench!

no, not ghosts. friends, mentors, students, teachers, acquaintances. people. they come in all different sizes, shapes, colors, ages, and they all have something amazing to share (usually.) i have trouble with idolizing people (like deanna, check out her blog too:) until i realize, they're just people, however amazing. i've learned to be inspired by and share life with them rather than idolizing them. 

two.

family.

the favorite cousin and me a few thanksgivings ago, after giving each other bad makeovers

i have a mother whom i like, and a brother, some nephews and a niece i get to see on skype. and a favorite aunt and cousin, by marriage. i'm not close with my family, my fathers side being arab and living over there, and my mothers side be nuts and spread all over the great u.s. however, despite my disconnect with my real family, they're an undeniable part of who i am, why i do or don't do and believe or don't believe things... more on that another time.

one.

quotes.

found this in the road somewhere (wish i could remember, maybe boulder,co) simple, honest, find it within yourself.

you'll get a lot of quotes on here. usually something i've googled or read in a book of quotes. i'm hoping to get back into reading more often to be able to share that form of art with readers too, but for now they're random things googled, heard, or read in a bathroom stall at a hipster cafe.

Namaste:)

MMD